I am patting my 18-month-old daughter on the back, slowly tiptoeing away from the crib. Is she really down? Could tonight finally be the night I get a few more hours of uninterrupted sleep?
As I pull the door closed…creeeeekk! My heart skips a beat. Seriously? Why hadn't my husband oiled the hinges like I asked?
Frozen…I hold my breath and silence. Woo. She's still asleep. Victory. I exhale and rush down the stairs, savoring the win already. I'm ready to do my happy dance.
I run over to my husband, who's doing the dishes, and I say, “Babe, I think she might stay down!”
And his response, nothing, nada. A slight nod, maybe?
I feel my stomach drop and my face get really hot.
Could I be any less acknowledged right now? Does he not understand what I've been going through?
18 months of not getting a good night's sleep, I'm pregnant again. I am exhausted. I need him to show me that he gets why this is such a big deal.
I am craving a celebration partner…some warmth, some connection, some empathy, and maybe even some sympathy.
And this moment, is NOT it.
I am Natalie Domond, your host, and welcome to Tipa Revolution, The Podcast. At this moment in time, I'm a sleep-deprived mother of a toddler and a recovering workaholic who has been learning how to reconnect with herself…and is now yearning for that reconnection with others.
In this space, we explore the power of Tipa, the practice of moving through uncertainty, doubt, disconnection, and overwhelm toward more alignment, inner peace, and meaningful impact, one intentional step at a time…tipa tipa.
This is Tipa Revolution, the podcast and season one is my story.
The next day, I'm still steaming a bit. I head down to the basement and plopped down on the chair with my journal, and I'm feeling heavy. Weighed down by disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger…as I continued to recall that moment of feeling so unmet.
And then I look over and I see this exercise that we were assigned to do in that mindfulness course I was taking. The same one I met my future self in.
And it was something about moving from complaining to action. Well, I sure had something to complain about and it would be great to figure out some action I could take. So I decided to try it out.
There's some clear instructions and some self-reflection prompts, so I get myself ready to go.
First step, set up a timer for two minutes and let it all out about something that's really frustrating me.
I had no problem filling up that two minutes.
And at the heart of it is this: I feel sad and hurt that I don't feel seen, heard, or understood by my husband.
And the truth is, there's been so many moments like this over our 10-plus years of marriage that have just been accumulating.
It's like I'm on my own emotional island, with my own swirl and set of experiences, and my husband is this far-off ship sailing by, that I'm desperately trying to call in, but he's not seeing me.
On to the next question: How am I contributing to this? Woo, this is an uncomfortable one. Didn't really wanna answer, but I did.
And to be honest. I don't always give what I wanna receive. I'm short and impatient with him. I do things expecting something in return, kind of like I'm keeping score.
Oh, and I criticize and I nag. And that probably doesn't make him feel very loving toward me.
Ooh. Yikes. That was a hard pill to swallow.
Next question: What is it I really want? What is it I really want?
I pause here and this is what comes forth. I miss his emotional companionship. I miss feeling close to him. I want to feel close and connected and like we're on the same team again.
And finally: What am I willing to do to move toward that, to attempt to get what I want?
Oof, I take a deep breath, hand on heart, and I write: I am willing to take the risk of giving without expecting anything in return. I am willing to express appreciation or do one kind act for him every day without expecting anything in return.
I can tell I'm not quite sure that I am willing to do this, so I'm feeling into it.
And finally, I'm willing to refrain from any criticism. Ooh, that one feels hard.
And the last question is, so what is your commitment to yourself?
All righty. So my commitment to myself is starting today for two weeks I will express one appreciation or do one kind act for him without expecting anything in return, and I will refrain from criticism.
It felt small, yet big at the same time.
One thing I'm clear on is that things can't stay the way they are. And if I have any power to influence our dynamic, then darn it. I'm gonna claim it. So I am off with my two-week experiment.
The first few days…hard, I catch myself so many times wanting to say something sharp…to point out what he didn't do.
Holy crap. I can't believe how habitual scanning for things to criticize has become.
But, moment by moment, I practice pausing, biting my tongue, taking a breath, and choosing a different approach, like thanking him for picking up the groceries, or for cooking that night, or for texting me when he arrived at work that day, or changing the diaper at night, or just for asking me about my day.
And whether he acknowledges the compliment or appreciation or not, I just remind myself that is not what this is about. And I keep on about my commitment to myself.
And then slowly, almost imperceptibly, over the next two weeks, the air starts to shift.
The tension begins to soften. He responds to me with a bit more warmth. We're not having these deep talks or dramatic breakthroughs, but something is shifting. The sharp edges of our exchanges are smoothing out.
And then one evening, something small and funny happened. I don't remember exactly what it was, but we laughed, like really laughed. And I remember thinking, oh wow, I forgot what this feels like.
And that spark, that moment of connection. It wasn't a magic fix, but it was a moment. And that moment mattered.
Zooming out, while the last episode was about reconnecting with myself, this one is about something also very sacred.
Restoring the connection in my most significant chosen relationship, my marriage, and the Tipas that helped with that.
This story is just one example of the sometimes barely imperceptible micro-moments and shifts that breathed life back into our relationship when I thought it wasn't possible.
This year we are celebrating 20 years of marriage, and sometimes I can hardly believe it. I’m actually gonna show this for those who are watching. I have this little photo of us that has been in front of me as I've been talking about this episode. This is when we were babies 17 years ago, and it's just incredible to connect with the people that we were and the people that we've become.
And thinking about these 20 years stirs a lot in me. I get emotional when I think about it because this marriage has been one of the most challenging, confronting, and fruitful relationships of my life.
And while I share the experience of frustration and resentment from my point of view in this story, there is his vantage point as well, where he was also dealing with his host of frustrations with me and his unmet needs.
We've had so many ups and downs and I truly honor what it has taken for him to continue to grow and take his own Tipas.
His efforts big and small, alongside my own, that have contributed to our reconnection and choosing to find our way back to each other and figure out what we need in each season of our relationship and our lives over and over and over again.
While the lessons and wisdoms I've gathered over the years are vast. I am gonna focus on three today.
So the first one is: love lives in the micro moments., Psychologist Barbara Frederickson says, “Love is that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being.” Oof, does that really ring true for me.
It's not the grand gestures that sustain relationships; it's the daily small acts of care. It's the pause before snapping or criticizing. The gentle tone instead of the sharp one. It's that kind, act or compliment we offer with no expectation of what we'll get in return, or the tiny daily choices we make to connect rather than retreat.
Relationship expert John Gottman calls this turning toward versus turning away. All the research he's done suggests that the key to lasting love and enduring healthy relationships overall is the instances of you turning toward that person versus turning away in response to what they call bids.
Bids for emotional connection, for attention, and it may look something like, let me tell you about my day, and your partner turns towards you, or, what do you think of my shoes? They look and give you their honest opinion, or I'm feeling really sad. And then they ask you why? What's going on for you?
So it's the little ways that we turn toward each other. It's the kindness, the care. It's those micro moments that add up over time and really matter.
For this second lesson, I wasn't quite sure how to phrase this, but at the heart of it is that we have more power than we often realize to shift the dynamic in relationships.
One of the hardest things for me to learn was to let go of trying to control my partner.
I wouldn't say that I was super controlling, but it was this undertone of just do things the way I want you to do them, or pointing fingers a little bit with him being the problem and trying to get him to change.
And I was doing that so much that I was overlooking my real point of power. All the moments that I had to choose how to engage or respond differently, but when I changed how I was showing up and interacting in the relationship, it changed our dynamic, and I have seen this happen over and over again.
I was recently listening to my boy, Trevor Noah, and he was interviewing relationship expert Esther Perel, and she offered that instead of asking who you want to be with, ask yourself, who do you want to be in the relationship?
And that applies here.
Who did I wanna be? I didn't wanna be critical, nagging, focusing on what wasn't good, overlooking what was. I wanted to be happy, appreciative, accepting, loving, and powerful. I didn't want to feel helpless.
I wanted to be someone who gives the love she wants to receive. And that's what my experiment was all about.
It turns out that those moments where I reclaimed my power to be who I wanted to be in the relationship was a really effective path to nurturing what I wanted to experience or be true in our marriage.
The third lesson I wanted to offer today is that reconnection is an ongoing, intentional practice. We did not arrive at the place of pent-up frustrations and disconnection overnight, and we wouldn't rebuild connection and intimacy overnight either.
There were seasons of feeling more distant, where finding those moments of connection got away from us, and I've learned it requires practice. Practicing noticing, recommitting, and finding what works for us in our various seasons because with work and family, growing family, new jobs, aging parents, personal illness, what works changes.
One season connection might happen through date nights. Another, it's just going to bed at the same time and finding 10 minutes to chat. Sometimes, and my husband hates this one, it's blocking time on our calendars. Or walks together when the weather's nice, or sometimes I just plop down in the kitchen while he's cooking one of his gourmet meals, which he doesn't let me help him with, and we talk.
Every time I think there is no hope to be found, there is a moment that sparks hope: a shared laugh, a tender touch, a willingness to try something new, seek out new knowledge or support, and somehow we keep finding our way back to each other…tipa tipa.
There's one more piece of broader wisdom that I'd like to bring in today, and it's a quote from James Baldwin who says, “Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
He refers to this regarding systems of oppression and dehumanizing ideologies, but he shares a truth that permeates every facet of our lives.
Until we are willing to confront and really see what is, meaningful change is just not possible.
I had to confront the truth of how I was contributing to our relationship dynamic and be willing to try to change.
And there's no promise that effort will bring the change we wanna see, but we know for sure it ain't gonna happen if we don't try.
For me, nothing changed until I was willing to face myself, my patterns, my defensiveness, my control tendencies, my expectations. Facing the truth was uncomfortable, but it was the doorway to something better.
A critical component to this journey, this Tipa or small-step revolution, is about facing what is and awakening to the power we have to choose what's next.
Now I wanna turn it over to you for some reflection.
As a reminder, you can access the reflection guide with these questions via the link in the show notes, or you can grab a journal or just hit pause to give yourself some time to think and reflect.
The first question is: What relationship, romantic or otherwise, if improved, would have the greatest positive impact on your life?
Where are you longing for more closeness, ease, or understanding? A sense of connection.
The second question is: What do you really want to experience in that relationship? Beneath the frustration, what's the deeper desire?
In my story, I had a lot I was complaining about, and when I got to the heart of it, I was just longing for a deeper emotional connection. What is it for you?
Third: What is one tipa, a small step, you could take today to move toward that experience? What's one thing you could say, do, or try that's within your control or power? For me, it was getting clear in what I really wanted: leading with appreciation instead of criticism, regardless of how he responded.
Finally: What resistance comes up for you when you think about taking that step? How does it shift if you ask yourself: What do I want to be saying YES to?
For me, I was saying yes to being the person who gives the love she wants to receive: acceptance, care, appreciation, kindness, warmth.
That's it for today. As a reminder, you can download the Reflection Guide in the show notes or description.
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone you care about who might be looking for a spark of hope in one of their precious relationships.
And you can also reach out to me. I'd love to hear what's been coming up for you.
Thank you again for joining me on this journey. Until next time, Tipa. Tipa.
